Kelly Gmazel

Survivor

In the front seat still

I was diagnosed with IDC during the pandemic in 2001. It was a year after my mom’s death and my dad was living in my house (I had just purchased a month before) after he had a multi level neck fusion with complications. It was a period filled with stress and the weight of cancer was the place where I wondered, “what’s the cap on trauma?”

That’s when angels appear. A friend with food, a wig grant for hair, a nurse who wrote keep smiling on my Vernors cup during chemo–and the nurse who asked how I was REALLY doing. I discovered tears can wash away a lot of pain and playground equipment is no challenge when a two year old wants to slide. Breath in deeply and climb the slide. Side-effects be damned, that little face was more important. I can do hard things.

Fast forward, PTSD is an honest companion. When everyone wants you to move ahead, I learned it’s ok to say that this part of recovery may be the hardest part. Recovery takes time. I’m driving forward, but cancer is still sitting in the front seat with me. Maybe that is okay… Because I travel with more empathy, more patience and more self-love.